So, your Christmas party is coming up, eh? Oh no! May God descend from the heavens to help you. Because you’re going to get ruined. Absolutely smashed. But there is one single grain of hope in the pit of quicksand that your life has become. Follow the essential Christmas party rules below, to save your soul, liver and career.
Seriously. Give yourself a fighting chance of making it to at least 10pm by not downing a couple of drinks in the office. I know, it doesn’t sound like fun, but this party isn’t about fun. It’s about you keeping yourself in a job. Or something like that. We recommend you quickly move on to the next point.
Anything. Twizzlers. Cheetos. Babybels. Just line your stomach. Because you know what you’re like. Once you get to the party you’re going to go absolutely mental. So it really helps to have something to throw up. Otherwise it’ll just be a vital organ. And apparently you need those.
Beware The Perils of The Free Bar
I’ve been here. We all have. A free bar is like an oasis in the desert. It appears, like a vividly seductive mirage, offering to quench your thirst and tickle your bits. And of course you go for it because it’s FREE. Everything tastes better when it’s free. Think that’s Newton’s second law or something. Anyway, despite all this you must show utmost restraint and remember to pace yourself. We know that the queue will be pretty epic, but just remember to only get one drink at a time. And don’t spill it on yourself like I did. I mean, I spent the rest of my night in 2010 correcting people about my purported lactation.
Don’t Kiss Anyone
Unless you really want to. In which case it’s okay. Just make sure you kiss them where no one can see. No, not like that. I mean go outside for a ‘smoke’ or some shit. Because it’s 2015 and people are still taking incriminating pictures to put on Facebook. I’m speaking from experience, buddy. Don’t get burnt when you gettin’ turnt.
Be Careful What You Say To Your Boss
Plan your conversations with senior members of staff. Don’t combine a free-bar binge with a long rant about what you hate about your current company. That only ever ends in disaster. Keep the conversation trivial. Talk about Christmas films or football or something. This is not the right time to air your grievances. Save that for Festivus.
Them’s Fighting Words
This goes for almost every social event. Don’t get into a fight. It’s never worth it. Especially not if the guy also practices cage fighting in his spare time. Especially not if you’re going to cry like a newborn goat. People will never let you live it down. And then you’ll have to fight them all. And your schedule is pretty full till the New Year. Just leave it, yeah?
Don’t Listen To Us
Yeah, don’t. I’m the worst sort of person at the Christmas party. Arrive already pissed, grab three drinks at the free bar, kiss a girl, challenge my boss to a duel, breakdance, projectile vom over everyone and then go home all before 10pm. So, just do what makes you happy. Just get ready to look for a new job on Monday.
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