Dear America, we love you. We really do. But we have no idea what most of you guys are saying. Seriously. What on earth is a 401k or even Escrow? Why can’t you pronounce any of the words we taught you? Why must you make the Queen weep into her milky tea? WHY?! Explain yourselves. Also, while we’re here, please put away the guns. Anyway, we’ve gone around the office and compiled a list of things our American friends have said that we struggled to fathom. Welcome to the world of confusing American words.
Confusing American Words Part 1:
The Name ‘Craig’
Watch this video.
That is not how you pronounced Craig. Unless you’re a Glaswegian who’s smashed off their tits. So, America, please stop it. That shit Craig.
This took us an absolute age to understand. Why are they called bangs? It’s a fringe. STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE US.
Yep. Not what you think it means. It means front bottom. Here’s a video from The Inbetweeners where Simon is trying to dirty talk. Perfect use of the word fanny. It’s also NSFW.
We thought you were saying ‘burglar eyes’. We genuinely can’t believe that this is a word you use. Your second braincell must’ve been burglarized. Oh wait, that has a ring to it.
Burglarize might not be quite as bad as ‘deplane’. You know, to get off a plane.
You deplane, don’t you? No, not really. I like to disembark, or you know, just get off a plane. But I don’t like to deplane.
Apparently this bastion of all that is unholy about the corporate world is a reference to baseball. We don’t understand baseball. It’s basically rounders for middle-class people, right? Well, we don’t understand you saying you want to touch base. It sounds like you’re trying to get us into bed. Go touch your own base, filthy sod.
An American friend once said to me, to end an argument, “That’s it, period!”. I was horrified. I didn’t know men got those. Do they get them in America? OH you mean a full stop. Gotcha. You definitely won that argument, Craig.
Why have you done this to us. I don’t want to go into a coffee shop and ask for a regular Americano. I want a medium coffee, please. PLEASE. Let this misery end!
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